Sigh...

Oh, the Oscars. I'll make this as quick as I can, but I wanted to add some thoughts to the proceedings from last night. I had presumed, incorrectly, based on the rumors coming out of Hollywood, that last night's 81st Academy Awards ceremony would be either the best or the worst the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences had to offer us. And, of course, it was neither of those things, despite what you may see elsewhere (no, David Poland, it was not that great, calm down).

Hugh Jackman was quite good, or at least much better than I and my lowered expectations assumed. However, the material was far less entertaining, even though the opening musical number was charming if a bit frenzied. Unfortunately, the lengthy sequence at the halfway point of the ceremony, choreographed by Baz Luhrmann (bad Baz, bad!), was about as bad as it gets. No, it wasn't Rob Lowe and Snow White bad, but Hugh Jackman should politely refuse to perform with five or six other people who are all performing other songs while he sings from "West Side Story" next time.

What's more, producers Bill Condon and Laurence Mark apparently felt it was more appropriate to award unoriginal music and stuff three completely original songs into a four-minute montage, capped off with three people singing three completely different songs at the same time, with no harmony at all. Oh, and also? Just because Mamma Mia made a lot of money in the UNITED KINGDOM does not mean the musical is back in the UNITED STATES. What a desperate point to make (especially when there has been at least one musical released in the United States since 2001's Moulin Rouge, including a Best Picture winner).

The Best Original Song montage was a true mess, not helped by the fact that no one seemed to care that having a song from a futuristic animated film set to Indian dance just doesn't make any goddamn sense. Also, though not having Peter Gabriel (who did the right thing by backing out, by the way) singing his own song is bad, having someone as usually talented as John Legend is bad, if that talented someone can't remember the lyrics to the song he's supposed to sing on national television.

Before I get to my final Stephen Colbert-esque wags of my finger, I do want to say that a great idea, one I hope is used in ceremonies to come, is having past acting winners honor the current year's nominees. Most people have not and will not see Melissa Leo's Oscar-nominated performance in Frozen River, so they will learn far more from having a past acting winner go over her immense talents. Also, I found Tina Fey and Steve Martin quite witty (my guess is that they took a crack at their section, writing-wise, and went to town), and the same for the short film starring Seth Rogen, James Franco, and Janusz Kaminski, who's at least game for kidding around.

Back to the negative. Having Queen Latifah sing over the In Memoriam segment is, at best, questionable. She's a fine singer and was very tasteful in her presentation; her talents are not my problem, but her presence during a somber scene is. Just show the damn slideshow, no flash, no glitz. Also, next time, try to actually SHOW THE FUCKING SLIDESHOW. Who could recognize Cyd Charisse's name or the face of Ned Tanen without squinting? Just hook up the slideshow to the main camera, let the audience at home see it fill their TV screens, and do nothing else. For shame, guys.

Next, I had particular anger directed towards Sean Penn and Bill Maher. Maher first. I'm a liberal, and I sometimes watch Maher's show; I also did see his comedic documentary Religulous, and you know what? Not a great documentary. Even if it was, the right time to bitch about not getting nominated is not when you're presenting an award for Best Documentary Feature. What's more, who thought it was a wise idea to have him present the award for which he was eligible and did not get nominated? Smart move, folks. Even still, Maher was inappropriate and, even worse, not funny (did he leave his comic timing at home?).

Sean Penn. Sigh, Sean Penn. Your opinion does not matter any more than mine does. Don't let all those cameras fool you. I don't care what you think about gay rights. I agree with your stance, but I do not care. No one outside of Hollywood cares. That you won is not great, but not undeserved. Your acceptance speech is not a platform for your opinions. I do not care, and the more you talk, the more people who may be swayed to your opinion will sway themselves away from you. So, Sean, do me a favor and don't forget: you were once Spicoli. You are now a fine actor, but you were once Spicoli.

In regards to the actual awards, there were few surprises, fewer great speeches. I've already said my peace in terms of that, so let's just move onto 2009 and, hopefully, a far stronger batch of movies. That said, I am now officially done being bilious and vitriolic about an awards ceremony. I feel like I need to wash the Nikki Finke bitchiness right outta my hair, don't you think?