OK, technically, this will be three mini-rants placed into one post. All involve my aversion to celebrity news and the media that will not let me forget about the pointlessness of it all. You have been warned.
So today I found out that Nadya Suleman has a publicist. I hope that most of you are asking this question: "Who is Nadya Suleman and why should I care if she has a publicist?" Bless your hearts if you thought this or even spoke it aloud. If, however, you are now like me and, at the very least, know who Nadya Suleman is, you can't ask that question. Ms. Suleman is the woman who is now mother of 14 children, including octuplets. Seriously...14 CHILDREN, including OCTUPLETS. Are you aware of it now? Can you now understand why NBC News sent Ann "Good morning, good morning" Curry to talk with Ms. Suleman, so she could share her story of delivering eight babies upon the six she's already got to the world? Can you now understand why ABC News paid a Web site for interview footage and pictures taken with Ms. Suleman's mother, who has been helping her daughter take care of the six kids she's already got?
Well, of course you can. For the most part, I'd been able to avoid this ridiculous bullshit story for a while; last week, I heard that Ms. Suleman had already been blessed with the six little ones before deciding to go back to a Beverly Hills fertility clinic to get knocked up again. I then heard she was also single and unemployed. In the words of Steve Martin in All of Me, "Ah, good plan!"
Before I get to the meat of my rant about Ms. Suleman and the media lapdogs tailing this idiot, let me just say this: I'm a relatively liberal person in my politics and my thinking. So even if Ms. Suleman was Mrs. Suleman and had a husband who was taking in six or seven figures, I'd say the same thing, which is that having 14 children is stupid. Having 14 children by accident, as Ms. Suleman did, is stupid. Having six children is one thing. But going back for more is stupid. Going back for more when you have no job is extra-special stupid. Having six embryos implanted in you every time you go to a Beverly Hills clinic (and how the fuck is she able to afford that clinic on no job?) is a dangerous risk, and choosing to repeat that risk after six kids is one of the most moronic, brainless things I've ever heard. I don't know this woman from Adam, but she's a hugely irresponsible person. Even though the octuplets have wrongly given her tons of media attention, it's a shame for those children, because they will not be raised by a smart woman.
Speaking of, the real reason why I'm writing this is the article I foolishly clicked on and read today. The headline on Yahoo was "Octuplets' grandmother disses daughter." I was curious enough to read it, and curiosity done killed this cat when it comes to Nadya fucking Suleman. It turns out that, according to the AP story, Ms. Suleman's mother is of pretty much the same mindset as me, albeit with less swearing and capital letters. She feels it's irresponsible for anyone, even her daughter, to have octuplets after already having six kids. Fair enough. From the article, it sounds like these comments were among those paid for by ABC News to show on their programs. What caught my eye was the sentence where the writer mentioned having asked Ms. Suleman to comment. Her publicist declined.
HER PUBLICIST? The woman with 14 kids has a publicist? The woman with 14 kids and no job and no one to support her has a publicist? What is going on here? Like the clinic, how can she afford this? Who's paying her? NBC has said that they didn't pay Suleman for the interview, despite rumors to the contrary, and I hope they're telling the truth. Though I won't go so far as Larry King did last week in asking if Suleman's the most hated woman in America (way to be relveant, Larry), it seems apparent with each day that Suleman may just be using a bit of this attention to help her own situation out and get a few minutes in the spotlight. So, she's potentially fame-starved. She's potentially manipulative. I say "potentially" because there's just as much chance that she's not. She's irresponsible no matter what, but we don't know for sure if she's actually craving this attention.
But shame on the media for giving it to her anyway. She gave birth to eight kids. I don't care. She gave birth to eight kids and has six more. I don't care. She gave birth to eight kids, has six more and has no job. And I still don't fucking care. But now I'm angry because the media is telling me that I should care by inundating me with this story. This woman's life should be her business. I shouldn't know what her mother thinks of this choice. I shouldn't know if she has a publicist. That is not my business. Why is the media so hell-bent on distracting me with this petty bullshit when there are two wars going on and a deepening recession/depression? When jobs are lost every day, why do I care? Why doesn't the media care about enlightening people?
I suppose it's because the media knows what some people like. Not everyone reads the newspaper or magazines in the old-fashioned way anymore, but still I get to stare at US Weekly in the grocery store. Still I get to see stories about Nadya Suleman and others. The US Weekly, for example, that caught my eye today had this month's magazine-cover darling Jessica Simpson on the cover, with a headline talking about being bullied because of her weight gain. Forgive me if I'm about to sound like Ricky Gervais during his climactic rant in the series finale of Extras, but the only reason Jessica Simpson is being bullied about her weight is because magazines like US Weekly are BULLYING JESSICA SIMPSON ABOUT HER WEIGHT.
So she does a show and looks like she gained a few pounds. I guess she's a human after all, huh? That's the end of the story. I don't care why she gained the weight. That's the end of the story. I don't care if she's getting a trainer. That's the end of the story. I don't care about any of the details. I care about the American media treating its readers like idiots. I care about the media talking about stories that matter. Yes, I know US Weekly just did a cover on Michelle Obama and the First Kids (why do I know that?), but Jessica Simpson gaining some weight isn't worth the paper they print it on. Why do we care? I was even slightly annoyed about the Christian Bale ruckus, but even he pointed out that it was worth making fun of, and let's be honest, it's pretty funny stuff.
But why should magazines write this drivel? Why does anyone actually care? I see the headlines, I rail against them, but Jessica Simpson is a drop in the bucket. People buy these magazines. People buy them to read them. Who buys them? Who cares about this? Are you out there? Are you human? I honestly don't know who would care about this.
And, finally, who gives a flying fuck if Michael Phelps, a 23-year old, acted like a 23-year old. I hate when people act exactly like people. Oh, right, I forgot, since he's an Olympian, he's not allowed to be human. He can swim really fast, so he should definitely not be taking any kind of drug, especially not marijuana. And if he does do that, for shame on him. How dare he ruin our ridiculous ideal of him? Apparently, he's not allowed to make mistakes.
What annoys me most about this story is that people are now proud that he's apologized for making a mistake. Though I've never taking drugs like that (or any recreational drugs), is it a mistake? Is it that horrible that he did a drug used for medical purpose? A drug that should be legalized? We're not talking ecstasy or cocaine. Moreover, it's not something he used to enhance his performance (A-Fraud finally earned his nickname!). If he apologizes, that's his choice (I know, it's really not his choice, but it should be). If he apologizes, we should move on, not applaud him for his courage. Instead, we should say the same statement said on NPR today: if only the Bernie Madoffs of the world apologized. Actually, we should ask why the media isn't pressing on the Bernie Madoffs instead of the Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps was stupid, if only for doing marijuana at a college party where plenty of cameras were probably right next to his face. Bernie Madoff is a horrible criminal. And we don't talk about him. We talk about Michael Phelps and Jessica Simpson and Nadya Suleman.
And we wonder why the rest of the world thinks we're idiots.
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